Ever since I was very small, I’ve had a powerful aversion to waiting. Always. As long as I can remember, impatience has been my biggest stumbling block and barrier, especially in my walk with Christ. When I was a little girl, I struggled in the depths of my soul when my parents made me wait to go somewhere, when I wanted to buy a new toy, or when we were going to buy a new puppy. I didn’t want to wait for school to start, or to go visit Grandma, or to see my best friends. As a child, on a car trip, I would always be the one to ask my parents, “When are we going to be there?” and be supremely disgruntled when they answered, “2 hours” or even “thirty minutes”! So much in life seemed to take forever to reach, and even now, at age 21, I still struggle with my frustration over simply waiting.
And now, I’m praying to God about His will for my life, asking him where I’m going, and why I can’t just find out what will happen already? I worry and ask God repeatedly, “When are you going to give me the desires of my heart? When will you say yes? Or could you just go ahead and say no if that’s the answer?” My mom has spoken one truth over this struggle of mine as often as I’ve prayed to God for the green light or a yes to my wishes. My mom told me, “You think of God as a genie. That’s not how He works, you know.”
“But He’s God! He knows everything in my future, and with God, nothing is impossible! I just don’t get why he can’t do this one thing for me!” I sighed. I know God can move mountains. He is the director of our lives, He directs our steps, He is omniscient and omnipotent, and since going to college, as I try to spend more time praying to Him, I’ve been torn between my desire to trust in Him, and my desire to know, to see God in action in my life. Perhaps this intense need to see God answering a prayer comes from my teenage years wherein I simply balked and tried to be Miss Independent.
But in the last couple of years, with the grace of God, my mindset is changing. Of course, I would still love it if God sent me a little letter detailing exactly when he intends to give the green light or the red light, if something is meant to be or not, what my future looks like, et cetera. But this summer especially, in a daily wrestling match with my Lord, I’ve come to see His mercies in the small, daily things. My love and devotion for the Lord should not hinge on whether or not He says yes or no, whether or not He informs me of His will directly and when I’d like. No. God’s ways are not my own. And coming to realize that alone has been so incredibly freeing.
I’m a long ways from being completely still in the Lord. In these hectic years as a college student, it can be a challenge to simply rest in His presence and wait on Him. So, incredibly challenging! I’m still learning, and looking to Him to be my all in all. My heart is ever the butterfly, difficult to settle and seemingly impossible to keep from flying ahead as my daydreams color my days with that rose-tinted hue that confuses things quite a lot.
I wish I had all the answers. As a writer I yearn to know the plot of my story. But God reminds me, quietly and gently, to be still and rest in Him.
Whenever you’re tempted to doubt or rail against the Lord whenever He is silent, or simply says, wait, don’t slam the door on Him (I’ve done that too many times, honestly). It’s hard to steady oneself and reflect on all the good He’s done. All the prayers He has answers, all the blessings, both small and large, He’s given you. I’m alive today because of Him. There are many times I nearly lost my faith, but God pulled me through. He’ll pull me through this season of waiting.
In Christ alone, my hope is found.