It may amuse you to know that up until now I have not been a very avid blogger, finding myself often procrastinating when it comes to posting on my sundry, brief blogs (which are mostly all obliterated, now). I never felt really compelled to share my writing and thoughts and wonderings. I tend to feel a bit more open with my art, though I am insecure about that as well. You might know what I mean.
You might understand when I say that I follow bunches of other people in the blogging sphere and never dare to really social-network myself. But now I feel a bit bolder, more adventurous than days of yore . . . “those dear old days gone by”. It is 2014. ‘Tis closer than ever to my graduation, and then the advance upon the University, or college. Where God will lead me, I have no idea. It used to seem a great deal clearer when I was about thirteen. Suddenly, as high-school draws nearer to a close, my mind scatters in all directions, tugging me to and fro. While I once considered it a settled matter that I would pursue something strictly literary, my mind now embraces the possibilities of studying Studio Art, illustration, history, psychology . . . and oh, the list runs on through journalism and numbers of avenues which branch off of Art. I am nonplussed!
Wherefore do these thoughts come? Wherefore just now, with the future looming high and strange before me? While it is exciting to consider what I might do someday, career-wise, It’s really frightening.
And that comes to the thing I’d like to discuss: Fear. Fear has been with me for a long time now. It has been with all of us, I think. It is that little Gollum-esque creature, that whispers at us from the shadows, amusing itself at our expense whenever we worry and tremble over the unknown. Maybe the Unknown isn’t so bad after all. Maybe it holds tribulations and joys we can’t even imagine right now. If you’re just a young person like me, just on the brink of adulthood, of moving away from home and Mom and Dad, then maybe you’ll hear me when I say . . . it’s coming on so-o-o fast. Too fast. And throttling along with the oncoming future is Fear itself. But as Mr. Franklin Roosevelt so wisely said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Fear stems from darkness, and darkness is the absence of Light. Light is Goodness, and Goodness is Christ.
That thought can be comforting in itself. I remind myself of my Lord’s abiding presence in my life and in the lives of those around me. Yet, sometimes it is severely difficult to believe and to understand. Understand what, you ask? Well, understanding is an incredibly broad word. Understanding could be equated with explaining. “How do you explain that? Explain why, or how, please!” Humans yearn for understanding. We all have a question to ask. Thus we seek wisdom. Wisdom is empty without Truth. For “one can gain the world but lose the soul”. Honestly, we can’t know everything. We can’t understand and explain Divine Providence, or miracles. We can’t explain the power of Love, or Mercy, or Forgiveness usually, in plainspoken words. We can’t ever glimpse the future and its kaleidoscope of meaning for our lives on earth. Corrie Ten Boom, the survivor of a Nazi concentration camp, speaks comforting and hopeful words on Life’s unknowns:
“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”
I know there is a God. It has taken me a while to come to that knowledge, but it is not empty, hollow knowledge which uplifts me even when I doubt and question (which I have been doing considerably, these last few years). It is harder to lean on Him and trust His understanding, not your own, when you are frustrated by His mystery and majestic power, which no human can ever fully understand. It is terribly, terribly frustrating. You ask a trusted, respected somebody in your life, grinding your teeth over the fact that “you just don’t get God, how He loves, how He has everything in control.” And this “wise” friend who you know reads the Bible and is much farther along than you under your cloud of doubt, tells you that “some things about God can’t be explained”.