You taught me the courage of stars

It has been almost an ENTIRE YEAR since my last post on this blog. Wow. The past few months have been incredibly…intense? Just, a lot has happened and I don’t know if I want to talk about all of it. It’ll probably come up in future posts. But anyways.

It’s my senior year at university and the class of 2019 is started to prepare for graduation. Terrifying? Yes.

I’ve jumped on WordPress to kind of play round with my blog’s look, and the theme, because customizing and finding new templates is pretty addicting. But I’m returning to this blog to just talk about my plans for this year–what you, my lovely followers, can expect from me, content-wise. I really want to write more about MBTI, true crime, conspiracy theories, in addition to my focus on literature. I want to continue posting essays on here and other creative works, but 2019 is going to be the year I

  • start a podcast!!!
  • start a youtube channel
  • start a graphic novel about Lewis and Clark
  • (eat 1000000x more healthy than I do right now 😏)
  • graduate university!!
  • build my art portfolio

Yes, that is…a lot. If you’re doubting all of this will actually come about, I’m right there with you. But I’m setting these goals up just as a kind of vision, to let ya’ll in on what I’m hoping to tackle in the coming months.

I was looking back into this blog’s dusty archives and found old posts about my past writing endeavors, including a historical novel with a main character named Diana. I actually have a printed and bound version of this story that I finished when I was 14. It’s truly horrendous, but it’s also quite entertaining to flip through when I need to laugh. 😁

Anyways, I’ve kind of shifted into trying out different mediums, such as the graphic novel/webcomic? I really think this will be a fantastic way to develop my skills and push myself out of my comfort zone. Right now, all I draw is people (usually Kylo Ren and Rey from Star Wars). Just the people. White background. Yeah. 🙄 I have a lot of territory to cover.

Also, I really want to kind of change my brand? Or my vibe that I put out online? Or at least kind of…upgrade it? That sounds so unnecessarily technical. But yes, I have a good number of ambitions this year, as far as content-creating goes.

I think back when I wrote about attending college, like four years ago….I was planning on majoring in literature and getting a concentration in studio art. The studio art part of this plan did not happen. I’m not sure why…but I just struggled to enjoy the assignments or projects for whatever classes I was taking for art. I was wanted to draw what I wanted, and the professors were really great, but the classes were way more technical than I preferred. I think I was looking for more of a CalArts style education, but my university is very traditionally focused (i.e. ceramics, oil painting, sculpture), and all of it is very centered around emulating an abstract style. I think I could’ve benefitted more from it, but I just felt stifled and wanted to do my own thing in my own time. Sooooo, yeah. A long-winded explanation about my lack of an art concentration.

So, what did I even DO since last March when I posted my last blog entry?

It has been a year. Last summer my grandmother, Mary Ellen, passed away after suffering multiple strokes. I miss her badly but I know she’s with my grandfather, they’re together again in the presence of Christ.

My grandfather passed away when i was 4. I don’t remember him too well since I was so young, but over the years I’ve loved listening to stories from my mom, grandmother, aunts, uncles and older siblings about how my grandparents met in Munich, Germany, married overseas, and started a family in Texas. My mom is hoping to write a book about my grandmother growing up in the Depression-era Bronx, and her very full, wonderful life that is detailed beautifully in her “Grandma book” that she gave my older sister years ago.

It’s still really odd, going home and knowing she’s not there anymore (she lived with my family). I can’t forget that day in July, 2018. My mom told me I should come home–I’d just moved into my new apartment near school, but my grandmother was fast fading, and the doctors knew she didn’t have much more time. We’d known for months that she most likely wouldn’t be with us much longer. The strokes she suffered took a major toll on her health. It was kind of a slow, long process of grieving, because the months leading up to the day she passed away, my grandmother lost the ability to walk or move around on her own and talk clearly.

Honestly, I’m getting a lump in my throat writing about this…

So, last July, I was on the way home because I wanted to say goodbye to my grandma one last time. I was at a stoplight and my mom texted the family group chat, telling us that a few minutes before, my grandmother had passed away, that she was now in heaven with Grandpa. I remember just…sobbing. I could barely drive…can’t believe I even made it home. I still wish so badly I’d stayed at home the night before so I could be there when my grandmother passed on. It is still so painful to think that if I’d just left a little earlier, I could have made it to see her in her final moments. When I got home, I went into my grandmother’s bedroom. I remember seeing her. Gone. I knew that she was in a better place, her soul freed, in Christ’s presence. But walking into that room, seeing her lying there on the bed. It’s haunting. I have nightmares about it sometimes.

My grandmother was always full of spirit, life, vitality–I got my creativity from her. Throughout her life, she poured her heart into her family and her hobbies and of course her faith. She was a devout Catholic–she met my grandfather in Mass, actually. She knew so much about history and books and she could always quote poems off the top of her head. She stenciled every room she could in lovely little designs. Her shelves brimmed with knick-knacks and books. My mom called her tendency to collect mountains of books “The Book Pox”. Definitely something I’ve contracted since birth! 😂

I want to reminisce more about my sweet little grandma in a future post but I thought I’d wrap up sharing a little Spotify playlist that I made for her–songs that I’ve listened to when thinking of her.

2 thoughts on “You taught me the courage of stars

    1. This is beautiful, but it made me cry. I miss her so much, but feel certain that she is dancing in heaven and joyfully enjoying her reunion with my dad and her siblings and her parents. ❤️

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